After reflecting, now that the I'm finished with the trial, I realized this treatment gave me a new problem. My expectations for my health drastically increased, and I now take it for granted at times. Which is a much better problem than expecting to be sick indefinitely, so I'll happily take it. Before discovering that a stem cell transplant was an option, my prognosis was grim, so I had penciled in suffering and misery pretty much indefinitely for my future. A life of sitting on the toilet, playing videogames, and going to the doctor certainly wasn't what I dreamed of, but seemed most likely. I am extremely fortunate that all of the many pieces came together for this and to be so healthy today. It is still weird to think about the gloom of my diagnosis when I was 10 and that I escaped what's usually a life sentence. I am humbled and so fortunate that the world conspired for me to have a second chance at life without this horrible disease.
I haven't healed from all of the damage Crohn's inflicted, but regaining my physical health put me in a position to discover the psychological trauma that was lingering. It managed to go unnoticed by any of my healthcare providers over the years, including a psychiatrist and therapist. It turns out that emotional neglect/abuse and years of a severe chronic illness that left me disabled gave me a lot of wounds to heal, and many doctors are unprepared to help. I wonder how much less severe my case would have been if I had a good therapist alongside my physical treatment. Given the incompetence (which I don't mean insultingly anymore) I encountered with my physical and mental health issues, I have to urge you to take charge of your own care. I'm afraid to think of the condition I would be in right now if I surrendered to what my doctors and therapists had to offer. Good intentions do not equal good care.
For other patients reading this, I finally started to get a handle on what I was experiencing with the trauma model, and I hope you find it valuable if you need it. The framework of the DSM and its diagnoses didn't give me a detailed enough picture to make real progress. I "had" depression, anxiety, ADHD, suicidal thoughts, no self-esteem and the rest of that wonderful package, and the cause was a lifetime of unprocessed emotions and pain. At this point, I honestly believe my trauma caused and/or worsened my Crohn's as a way of trying to save me from suffering (yes, that's as morbid as it sounds). I'll probably never know for sure, but it wouldn't be the most shocking consequence of trauma I've heard of.
Thank you to everyone for the support over the years. I'll update this if anything significant about my physical health changes, or just to say I'm still doing fine at some point in the future. I'm not expecting any health issues because of the stem cell transplant to crop up, but you never know. I still don't have the best immune system on the planet, but it's not trying to kill me anymore. And I plan to be able to say the same about my mind soon, too.
Thank you to everyone for the support over the years. I'll update this if anything significant about my physical health changes, or just to say I'm still doing fine at some point in the future. I'm not expecting any health issues because of the stem cell transplant to crop up, but you never know. I still don't have the best immune system on the planet, but it's not trying to kill me anymore. And I plan to be able to say the same about my mind soon, too.
